Navigating Relationships with PMDD
PMDD can make many aspects of everyday life extra troublesome. One of the biggest struggles I faced was how to cope with my intense mood swings and their impact on my intimate and platonic relationships. I felt like I was two different people. I was the "me" after my period, where I felt like a stable version of myself, and I was the "me" during my PMDD symptoms, where I struggled to remain in control. During this time, I processed the world differently. I was so anxious that I would push people away and convince myself of problems within the relationship that didn't truly exist. I couldn't handle any stress or conflict on top of what I was already experiencing so I would lash out at people I cared about and break down. It was overwhelming. I didn't know how to proceed.
Thankfully, over time (and with a lot of research!), I’ve found a few strategies to help me cope and maintain my relationships through the ups and downs. Navigating relationships with PMDD is a constant work-in-progress, but I hope these strategies can help you keep your relationships strong and vibrant too, even with PMDD.
Effective Communication
I can't sugar coat it, communication is difficult, especially when you have a brain that is sending you into a spiral for half the month. Without PMDD, communicating how I feel does not come naturally so in a state of panic and desperation or heightened anxiety and stress, being able to say what I need can feel impossible. Communicating about PMDD doesn't always have to be so direct. You can leave your partner or friends articles that explain in detail what you might be experiencing. You can share resources as you come across them and open your loved ones to your PMDD world as well. PMDD is relatively misunderstood, so we need to exercise patience with our loved ones while they try to learn what we are going through.
If you feel up to directly communicating about PMDD with your loved ones, here are a few strategies that might come in handy:
What do you need?
Take a moment, take a breath, write it down, or say it out loud: what exactly do you need at this moment? Do you need a hug? Advice? Someone to listen without judgment? Do you need space? It can be helpful to adjust your expectations about how your loved ones respond. Navigating difficult emotions can be tricky, and people won't always respond in the right way all the time. Take a moment before venting out your anxiety or frustrations and start with a disclaimer: "I'm feeling really anxious. I don't need advice, I just need you to listen and be physically there for me." Or "I need my spirits lifted, so I am definitely in the mood for a laugh." Whatever you need, the people in your life are not mind readers, and we cannot assume they will have the perfect response in our moments of need. Letting your friend or partner know the best way to help you at that moment can do wonders.
Try the shit sandwich techniques.
It doesn't sound glamorous, but it can ease any criticism you might be about to unleash. Start with something positive, slip in what you aren't satisfied with and finish off with something sweet. "I really love it when you're there to listen, but when you try to fix everything, it makes me feel overwhelmed. At this moment, I just need a hug, and I'm really grateful you're there for that" People feel defensive if they feel like they're being attacked. Try to remind yourself that the people around you love and care about you and, in most cases, are only trying to help.
Sometimes having a serious conversation about what you're experiencing can feel intimidating. If you can, try discussing it in a space where you don't have to stare directly at your loved one. You could be washing the dishes, taking a drive, or having an art day with your friends. Use this time to speak about it while you're all engaged in an activity together.
Don't rule out online/digital communication!
We prioritize person-to-person communication, but sometimes it's tough to express yourself without completely breaking down. You might send a text to a friend to tell them you're feeling anxious and need some reassurance, or text your partner that you had a particularly bad day and need some space when you get home. A simple text can help you prevent unnecessary conflict or confusion. You can start a conversation through text, email, voice clip, whatever feels most comfortable to you just to get that ball rolling and pick it back up when you feel more up to it.
Switch up your environment.
Do the bright lights in the kitchen make you feel irritated? Move your conversation to a calmer room! Ask your friend to meet you outside where you can get some fresh air. Take a moment to change or shower before diving into anything serious. Give yourself every advantage in those moments of anxiety and impulsivity to cope.
At the end of the day, whatever negative feelings we are trying to repress will only get stronger. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. Communicating this will also ease the discomfort and bring you closer to those around you.
Remember that everyone has their thing.
Our loved ones also have their fair share of troubles to work through. We can quickly get wrapped up in our own minds and forget they might need us too. Checking in with our friends and loved ones can strengthen the bond. Our loved ones are not our therapists, and striking that balance between sharing your experience but also engaging in theirs is incredibly important.
When we are lost in our symptoms, we can forget how others might feel. Partners and friends may feel insecure or confused if we push them away or lash out at them unnecessarily. Take moments of calm as an opportunity to explain what you are experiencing and to hear their concerns and thoughts.
Track your cycle.
Sometimes I start to feel overwhelmed and anxious. Depression seeps back in, and I feel like I'm losing everything. In those moments, I can have a hard time connecting it to my cycle. I begin to blame events and people in my life for my negative mood when, in reality, it's because I'm starting to feel my PMDD. Tracking my cycle allows me to clue in that something bigger is happening, something outside my control. It can give me that reality check that I need to turn to my coping mechanisms. It can also help me better explain to my loved ones where I'm at this month and what I need right now.
Resources
Find what works for you. Talking to a friend is great, but sometimes it helps to have an outside non-biased opinion to confide in. If therapy is an option, great! However, financially that just isn't accessible to everyone. IAPMD offers free, one-to-one peer support where you can chat with someone who also lives with PMDD. A lot of communities have support groups available for free or at a reduced cost, including for PMDD. Online communities can bring people together and give you a safe space. Even places like Reddit and Facebook can have forums and helpful advice or people to reach out to!
Include your loved ones in your coping mechanisms.
We all have our own ways to handle stress. Whether it's meditating, yoga, exercise, art, reading, whatever it may be, we don't always have to do it alone. Sending out an invitation can bring people together and help you relax in moments that feel overwhelming.
"Yoga really helps me calm down. Do you want to stretch with me before we talk?"
"Do you mind if we try these breathing exercises before bed?"
"I need to move to help disperse some of this energy. Do you want to run or walk with me?"
We still need time alone to process our thoughts and emotions, but sharing some of these experiences with friends and loved ones can give them insight into what we need to manage our symptoms and cope.
We all know that because of our PMDD, we are more sensitive to rejection. We have a decreased interest in our activities, our bodies hurt and our heads and boobs ache, we feel alone, anxious, and depressed. We sadly don't get to put our life on hold to deal with this every month. We need to continue working through work, school, commitments, expectations, and the business that comes with everyday life.
Our relationships provide us safety, comfort, and love, and sometimes we need to work a bit harder to make sure we are maintaining them in the healthiest of ways. We are human, and we won't always make the right choices, but we can equip ourselves with as many tools as possible to try and navigate these emotions without too much damage along the way.
Jaley (she/her) is a proud ‘plant mom’ who loves to read, travel, hike, spend time with her loved ones, do yoga and is always eager to learn about new and engaging topics. Her current profession involves working directly with individuals with disabilities, providing them with much-needed care and support. In the process she’s become a fierce advocate for social justice issues, inclusiveness, and accessibility.