Coping with Anger and Rage

There are far too many of us familiar with the anger and rage associated with PMDD. It can come from seemingly nowhere and everywhere at once. At times uncontrollable and at times layered with sadness and feelings of insecurity.

In my deep dives inward I have sought to better understand this anger and wanted to share my notes. Foremost, I do believe that we can heal from anything and find what works for us personally - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The anger and rage associated with PMDD is part physiological and part emotional, one is never separate from the other. For this post, I am focusing on the emotional.

I’ve found that anger always asks for action. Think of a mother bear in the wild whose cub is under attack. The mother bear gets angry and fights back - kills or chases the predator, protecting her cub. Then, the mother bear is no longer angry.

However, we live in a world where our anger often has no outlet. We can’t bite every person that angers us, nor (probably) chase them away. So the anger festers, it internalizes and externalizes.

With PMDD, the anger that arises often seems sourceless and gets projected out through increased sensitivity to those closest to us. We all know that feeling... how our partner/parent/friend/coworker drives us absolutely mad during the premenstrual time, while during the “good” weeks nothing about them seems to trigger us.

This begged to be explored! I could not allow myself to be a continuous victim to this cycle any longer. Ok, anger.. you’re asking me to do something! What?!

Something clicked when I saw the action it was asking me for was to look within....that in its highest light, anger was attempting to show me where I am. How the choices I have made in my life up to this moment have gotten me exactly where I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I realized this was about MY choices. MY capacity to create, to stand up for myself, draw boundaries, and care for myself. Not others’ ability to read my needs and thoughts or rescue me.

Certainly, we find ourselves in situations when anger at others is completely valid and even healthy. But one thing I’ve learned is that it’s not always best to address these issues during an anger or rage episode. Rather, we can use the anger as a guide… to feel the anger as needed, take some deep breaths, pause and then reflect on what is really hurting.

Was there a boundary or agreement broken? Self-worth challenged? Rejection triggered?

And once identified, ask ourselves where we can take responsibility and reclaim our power.

Here are some examples of how this reflection might look:

Have I clearly communicated my boundaries with this person in the past? How can I make requests that this person will understand in the future? And for agreements, did the other person clearly agree? Or did I make assumptions? Can I find a way to clarify this in the future?

Do I believe I am worthy? Have I created a relationship with this person that reflects my worth? How can I stand up for my worth and value in the future?

How can I create a more independent lifestyle which I have authority over?

I have found that we structure our lives based on our feelings of worthiness, value, and identity. A key to creating a less triggering lifestyle for those with PMDD is to truly understand that emotions do not have an effect on our value or worth. We are worthy and valuable even with our emotions!

Before this process, I believed that because of my sensitivity, I was somehow indebted to others - that because they had to “put up with me” in difficult times, I did not deserve respect and I did not have the right to create boundaries. I believed that because of this condition, my natural progression of life and success would forever be hindered.

It was at the very moment that I saw the ABSURDITY in those beliefs, that I began to find the way out.

I will say it again, I am worthy and valuable EVEN with my emotions! And I must understand and remember this for the rest of my menstruating years as if my life depends on it. In fact, those exact beliefs are what have been keeping me in this perpetual cycle!

I share my experience with anger, rage, and PMDD to encourage you to identify what negative beliefs are running the way you relate to others. We all have them, and often they do not reflect the truth of who we are. By becoming aware of these falsities we can then make changes possible within our lives.

I am learning to listen to my anger, and allow it to guide me to where I need to step forward and gently look towards. And in doing so, I’ve found I can protect my closest relationships during the harder moments and choose to address the conflicts or concerns in a more peaceful state after first taking responsibility within myself. Additionally, I’m practicing honest communication with others. For example: “I am feeling a lot of anger right now, please understand it is not at you and at nothing you have done. During this time in my cycle, I am very sensitive and it is an emotion I often feel.”

Looking at anger from this perspective has been tremendously helpful in my relationships and at work. I can honestly say I am visited much less often by my old friend anger, and the rage is nearly nonexistent. I can see the results accumulate as I step more fully into understanding my value and learn to communicate with more gentleness, both to others and myself.

It may take some time to redesign a life that reflects a clearer picture of your true worth and value, so have patience with others and with yourself. We are always “teaching people how to treat us.” It takes time, commitment, and communication to teach something different.