It’s day one of my period and I have one wish.

“Dear universe, may I please feel like I feel today for most of the month?”

Every cycle it’s the same wish. But instead, for most of the month I feel quite the opposite.

…

In tears, heart pounding, I am furious, I hate my partner - we are toxic, soooo irritated with the kids, the dogs, pin vision, my brain is in a bubble, anxiety spiking, trembling, sweating, why the hell can I NOT just get one good night of sleep, I hate my life, I want to give up, my daughter will be better off with her dad, I can’t think straight, I want to lock myself away, I hate that everyone else is so happy, happy while I am struggling, I hate my job, I suck at everything, why the hell does my partner look at other women, he's hunting for someone else, this relationship is not good enough, I scream at the kids, out of control, my head is spinning, I am soooo tired, I don’t want to get out of my bed, I am alone, so freaking alone, I feel sick, the bloatedness is unbearable I can’t breathe, I’ve been constipated for days, my boobs are like two painful balloons, I am sooooo depressed, WTF, I try so hard to control things, but it’s out of my hands. NO NO NO to this life….

First day of my period, I feel like a butterfly, light, lifted… myself – HELLO!! The shame creeps in. Tail between my legs, I apologize to my partner and ask him to please not leave me but to stand by me. I am soooo sorry, always sorry…… till we meet the dragon again, the dragon I can’t understand, the dragon that destroys everything in its path, the dragon of hate, the dragon of fear, guilt, shame, anger, despair. I cannot take it anymore. She’s a disgrace to humanity, she has no heart – and this is NOT who I am in my soul. Where do I go, time after time?

…

It’s 8:30am on the 30th of August 2019. I am sitting in the waiting room of the gynaecologist. I am here for a check-up after spending a night in hospital doing CT and MRI scans of my brain. I felt like I was dying of a HUGE brain tumour, but according to the neurologist, I have a beautiful functioning, healthy brain. Yah!! The only thing is: I wish it felt like I had a beautiful functioning, healthy brain, cause instead I feel like a sour porridge head most of the days – so we move on from here to gynecology. Maybe there are hormonal complications or worse cancer? It’s now day 5 into my cycle. Blood results suggest everything is absolutely, normal. Cool. What next……? What the hell!? If all is so bloody normal then why do I feel so shit most of the time?

I guess it’s time to face the music….. next level…

Psychiatrist!!

The shit is going down, I need some serious answers!!!

The psychiatrist suggests I book into a clinic where I get to work with a team of trained phycologists, psychiatrists, and therapists on a daily basis to get to the root of my symptoms. I have no problem with that. I really need and want to get to the bottom of this.

So, I get to spend three weeks in the company of lovely people talking through my human experiences. I leave with some coping skills and a diagnosis: generalized anxiety disorder. Ta-da!!! Great stuff, not that bad, hey, I thought bipolar was on the radar for my existence. Best of all I get to take home a heap of drugs, mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and tranquilizers with the hope of “new beginnings.”

I got what I came for – a diagnosis!!! This is going to make it all better. I’m gonna work through this and become a better person. I must for my family’s sake.

…

Oh my gosh – here we go again!! Despite diagnosis and meds and therapy, the dragon is back. It’s the same cycle of despair all over again. 

I wean myself off all the meds, they are not helping and seem to be making things worse. Back at the neurologist, I refuse to go back to the psychiatrist who wants to keep me on the meds that don’t work. I have worked through my human experiences and have forgiven. Why the hell do I still go through these episodes? The neurologist diagnoses it as chronic stress disorder – I’m put back on meds to help me through this. I go for an assessment with a neurophysiologist who diagnoses me with depression! WTF! I do NOT have depression; I am a happy person with dreams and aspirations…and a dragon that takes me away sometimes.

I take courses in meditation, yoga, spiritual coaching and read one self-help book after the other. I engage in a morning ritual of movement, meditation, and journaling. Yet the dragon keeps coming back month after month after month.

…

It’s 11:00am on the 8th of November 2022. I am seeing a new gynaecologist, going through my history. She suddenly looks up at me in admiration, “Honey you should have come to see me a long time ago – you have severe PMDD!!!” 

And so my new journey begins. I immediately start taking meds to keep my hormones from fluctuating. It is the 14th of November, I have been taking these meds for the last 7 days and I feel free. I have not felt this clear-headed, great, and calm in as long as I can remember. Calmness!! It’s so peaceful here.  

Now as I look back and reflect, I realise that since my early twenties, there’s been something different about me, qualities that weren’t normal for the average young person. I made no effort to explore these emotions though and blamed my moods and reactions all on a “toxic” relationship and experiences from childhood. At the age of 30, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, so then I blamed my “unwell” nature on the fact that I was now a mother to a very busy baby. As time progressed so did my mental health. By the age of 39, I was divorced. Out of my toxic marriage, I thought I was on my way to a happy life. Surprise, surprise honey - this is the beginning of an even longer road than you anticipated. At the age of 40, I met my husband and we started a relationship with potential and exceptional qualities, but there I was again and again trying to destroy everything good I had.

But now I am hopeful. For the first time, I feel that I am on the path to a better life. I look back and feel sorry for the inner me that had to go through the last lifetime feeling so horrible. I do not wish this upon my worst enemy – arggg I hope I don’t have any!! 

PMDD is real. It’s a destructive and debilitating condition, to heart and soul. Get help if you feel you have this condition.

As for me, I honestly thank the universe for this journey. At the age of 45, I am feeling better than I have in years. I am ready to serve others on this road. If I can help one person along this earth journey, I call my duties….. done. 

PS: Never ever give up! You are a dragon slayer. x

MEET SANTA

I have lived with PMDD most of my life and that's a long time since I'm 45. I will never give up. I'm a life coach and a PMDD warrior. If I can help one woman to a better life, it will complete me. I love me .... the dragon slayer!

You can follow Santa on Instagram @santayuill or visit her website here.