I once saw a thriller movie where in one scene, blood started oozing under the door frame into the closet where the actor was hiding. The actor had no idea what was happening until there was so much blood, he was 4-5 inches deep, and it was “too late” for him. He succumbed to the monster with a blood-curdling scream. I always wondered why that scene stuck with me until it made a lot of sense for me today.

That’s what I start feeling around day 20-22 in my PMDD cycle. Everything is going wonderfully up until that point. In fact, yesterday, I was just thinking how much energy and drive I had and how I could keep up with my goals for sure! I would smash my PMDD out of the water and win this month. I just knew it. 

But today, I noticed the muck leaching under the closet door.

It came in the way of noticing my bloated belly and my 4 lb weight gain overnight. How could I possibly send that to my coach?!

It came when I just couldn’t get the seam on my sock to sit right in my shoe, or the drawstring on my pants kept loosening. I didn’t hate those pants last week, they were my uniform, and now I can’t wait to get rid of them. 

It leached more when I looked at my calendar and felt dread for this coming weekend. Too many social events and planned things I need to “show up” for… panic, sweat, heat… how do I cancel these? Too much going on. 

It came in more when I realized that my whole house was SO dirty, and I am the ONLY one who seems to care. The load of work gets heavier, and I notice everything wrong.

It leached when my husband gently placed his hand on my back which sent so much electric energy into my body I was awake for another hour trying to calm back down—overstimulation from the simplest things.

It rose with foggy mind issues, frustration at my hair today, feeling SO gross that I haven’t had time to shower and shave since Saturday and the hairs are catching on my leggings. It seeped in during my workout, where I couldn’t even look myself in the eyes, so disgusted with who I am. 

And with all these things, I think, “That’s just weird. I know those thoughts and feelings aren’t who I am. I wonder what is going on?”

After a certain point in my day, it hits me. Every time, it hits like a bus. PMDD is here again. And I sorrow. I ache. I mourn. 

For the life I am losing. For the pain I will cause. For another month, another round, another destroyer coming through to take down all I tried to build these past two weeks. 

And I am tempted to just sit in the muck and let the monster take me too.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so today I am getting vulnerable and sharing my experience with PMDD – Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder – a mental illness I was diagnosed with after 20 years of not knowing what was “wrong” with me. PMDD is a hormone-based mental illness that is a severe reaction to normal fluctuating hormones. It is not an imbalance of hormones, nor is it controlled directly by hormones, but it’s a miscommunication within the brain, specifically in the prefrontal cortex, during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle – from ovulation until the period starts. It’s still such a newly recognized disorder with research coming out all the time!

I want to share my story and the details of what it is like to live with PMDD as this illness comes around each month and has a huge impact on my life. So much happens within my body and my view of my whole world changes pretty much overnight. PMDD affects me two times a month – during ovulation and then again about 5-7 days before my period starts lasting until my period starts. So between PMDD and a painful period, I get about ten days a month feeling amazing. However, with lifestyle changes of diet, exercise, sleep, and planning, I have been able to minimize symptoms to live a good, healthy life and I am usually not crippled by its effects.

Clarissa tells her full story of living with PMDD with raw honesty and truth in the podcast below, from developing severe PMDD in adolescence to finding her way to healing. There is a mention of suicide and self-harm, so please practice self-care if you are struggling today:

MEET CLARISSA

Clarissa, CPT, CNS, loves teaching WERQ dance fitness and connecting to worldwide clients in her personal training and nutrition coaching business, Adagio FIT. Body + Mind connection is essential in Clarissa’s life. She trained in hip hop and contemporary dance as a teenager while experiencing severe suicidal depression and anxiety. Dance saved her life. She danced with the BYU Ballroom Company and competed in ballroom professionally while attending Brigham Young University.

Now she educates, empowers, and encourages women in health through coaching. She believes that women's needs are as individual as snowflakes and meets clients in their “now” first, educating and guiding them as they choose better health for themselves. She loves pulling eternal truths into sessions.

Clarissa lives with a severe endocrine disorder Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. PMDD is an abnormal reaction to normal shifting hormones throughout the menstrual cycle, causing anxiety, suicidal ideation, and physical pains among many other symptoms.

She’s part of the Thomas Glitter Force with her hubby, three girls, and cockapoo Frenchy. They love adventure, hard work, and goals. The TGF has three focuses - Choose Christ, Red Marks, and Sparkle. Clarissa is a sun baby with a serious swimsuit addiction, and her life’s motto is: “I’m going to make everything around me beautiful and that will be my life.”

You can connect with Clarissa at her website or on Instagram @adagiofit