The information available for navigating sex with a chronic disorder is limited at best and for those of us who live with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), we know how hard it can be on our sex lives. Prolonged symptoms, stress, and the aches and pains that come with PMDD can decrease our libido and even though we might miss getting frisky, it can be tricky to get our bodies on the same page. We might still crave that intimacy, closeness, and connection but our symptoms, medications, and treatment options impact our ability and leave us feeling frustrated. Below are some suggestions on how to raise that libido if it’s something you’re looking to work with!

And just a reminder that if our bodies are saying no, we should honour, respect, and listen to our bodies. There’s no need to force yourself to engage in anything you really don’t want to do. If you’re not craving more, don’t feel like you have to. These suggestions are just for those who are looking to navigate their sex life and increase their libido while living with PMDD.

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SCHEDULE SEX

I know this might not sound very sexy, but scheduling sex can help you maintain control over your sex life and work around any symptoms that are impacting your sex life. If you are on medication for PMDD and are noticing it is impacting your libido, scheduling sex before you take your next dose of medication might help! (Always talk to your doctor before changing up any medication times.) Since PMDD is cyclical, we do have a bit of an idea of when our symptoms are going to be at their worst. If you track your cycle and notice your symptoms are at their lowest during your follicular phase maybe it would be a good idea to explore more sexual connections during this time. Get a “sex” calendar and spice it up. Having something to look forward to, that you dedicate time to, and that you know is going to be the only thing you have on your calendar for that evening, can increase the excitement, arousal, and help you avoid sex when your symptoms are at their worst.

WHAT TURNS YOU ON AND OFF?

Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are” said it best when she described our arousal systems, what turns us on and off, like brakes and accelerators. If you’re looking to increase your libido but have something firmly planted on a break (turn off) then it’s going to be challenging to push past it no matter how hard you try. Everything could be perfect about the mood but something small like bright lights that irritate your senses, a word you really can’t stand being said during sex, having sex with socks on, or bigger turn-offs like stress, pain, or difficult emotions are still getting in the way. Try a journal exercise to think of all the things that turn you on and off and look to incorporate more of the turn-ons and less of the turn-offs into your sex life. Having a better sense of your turn-ons and offs can also help you communicate this with a partner. If your PMDD symptoms are a major turn-off, what could you add from your turn-ons that might help alleviate some of this?

THINK ABOUT THE MIND-BODY CONNECTION

With PMDD, a lot of us spend a decent amount of time trying to not feel what’s going on in our bodies. Symptoms cause pain and discomfort, and they can lead us to feel detached and distant from our physical experiences. Try tunning into your body in a new way. Take a mindful shower where you focus on the sensation of the water touching your skin. Say “this is the water touching my arm, this is the water touching my stomach” and think about what it feels like. Try pleasure mapping with a partner or on your own. This is where your partner touches various parts of your body, not in a sexual way but just to explore where you like to be touched, what feels good, and what you’d rather avoid. This can be especially useful during your symptoms so your partner has a better understanding of where is painful and inaccessible during that time. Try to incorporate mindfulness into your day whether this is watching a guided Youtube video or using a mindfulness app, or simply stopping to focus on your breath five minutes a day. Mindfulness and sex are a beautiful combination that enhances the sexual experience we’re having and helps us move beyond our symptoms.

SLOW THINGS DOWN AND SET THE MOOD!

If we’ve been through a rough patch with our symptoms or are in the middle of a flare-up, it can be difficult to get in the mood. If you still want to try, setting up your environment to fit exactly what you need to feel in the mood can give you an advantage. Light some candles, dim the lights, put on some sexy music, or whatever else you need, and let yourself relax in this environment. You can play a sexy board/card game, spend time cuddling, touching, and massaging each other, or just talk about the things you enjoy about the other person. You might find naturally you start to feel ready to focus on intimacy. Remember, it’s also okay if you don’t! For a lot of us, setting the mood means slowing things down, calming the senses, and decreasing the stimulants. If nothing else, you have a calm, relaxing environment to spend time in either alone or with your partner.

INCORPORATE PAIN RELIEF INTO SEX

Taking a long hot bath will do wonders for pain and discomfort but it can also be sexy and erotic. Invite your partner to join you. Some couples soak while they read an erotic novel, watch porn, or just enjoy each other’s company. Think about what you use to ease pain, whether it’s calming scents, creams, or oils, and ask your partner to apply them or engage in them with you. If hot baths or showers are not your thing, a long massage is great for easing tension in the body and relieving pain and tightness at the same time as being sensual, erotic, and potentially a turn-on. You can even make stretching erotic by putting on some music, lighting candles, and being close to one another while helping your body relax. Use a warm or cold cloth over your head, eyes, or anywhere else that is feeling sore or tight while engaging in whatever sex act you are feeling up for. This works too for heating pads, jade rollers, ice packs, and anything else you use to manage your pain. Pillows, cushions, or bolsters are handy if you find you need extra support for your body. There is absolutely no shame in needing to adjust and incorporate your accessibility needs into sex and romance. The reassurance that our needs will be met and we can tend to our symptoms while engaging in sex can increase libido and desire.

COMMUNICATE

I know we hear this everywhere, but communication is crucial for healthy sex lives. It’s hard to feel sexy if we have needs that aren’t being met. It’s also really difficult for our partners to know what we need at the moment if we never tell them. Humans aren’t mind-readers. If communication feels hard and scary, start slow. Share resources you find online or books with helpful information. Challenge yourself to communicate one turn-on or one accessibility need and build upon that. If doing it at the moment makes you feel overwhelmed, take the conversation outside the bedroom. Try communicating during an activity or while you can keep your hands busy like gardening, driving, or doing the dishes. It’s easier to communicate difficult topics if we don’t have to stare at someone directly in the eyes. There’s no shame in written or electronic communication. Write an email, a text, or a letter if it’s going to help you get your words out. When you can communicate and create the sex life you need that is compatible with your PMDD and symptoms, you can give yourself more of a chance to increase your libido and desire.

TAKE CARE

The best thing we can do for our sex lives is to take care of ourselves. Incorporating movement into our days, getting plenty of rest, drinking enough fluids, going to therapy, and taking our medications. PMDD brings about a lot of ups and downs. A part of living with the disorder is learning new ways to take care of our physical and mental health. Not all these suggestions will work for everybody. We each have unique situations that require different solutions. Listen to your body and do your best to give yourself whatever you genuinely feel you need. You know yourself best and turning into that trust and self-love will transfer to the bedroom.

MEET JALEY

Jaley Rae (she/her) is a proud ‘plant mom’ who loves to read, travel, hike, spend time with her loved ones, do yoga and is always eager to learn about new and engaging topics. Her current profession involves working directly with individuals with disabilities, providing them with much-needed care and support. In the process, she’s become a fierce advocate for social justice issues, inclusiveness, and accessibility.

You can follow Jaley on Instagram at @allthings_pmdd

Also by Jaley: Navigating Relationships with PMDD