It's been almost a year since I began the injections to banish her from my life. I cast her out like discarded rubbish. 

I often wonder whether she deserved that. If I was truly prepared for what was about to come. Was it really that bad? Was she really that bad? 

I miss her. I miss the comfort she bought. I miss her presence. The way she made me feel so in tune with my body when she was around, how she intensified every emotion I felt. 

I don't want her back; she was destructive. She broke my spirit with her venomous words, her twisted dreams, and poisonous thoughts. I was broken when she was near. 

But I loved her. I needed her. I still need her. Without her, I am not whole. Now that she is gone, a part of me feels lost, trapped in a bleak void, forever falling further and further away. 

The world seems scary without her. I'm not sure who I am or where I belong. Life is less colourful & more stagnant somehow. 

I want to reach out to her, to feel the bitter sting of her impact on my life once more. I want to know that she's OK. 

But I know she is okay, for she is my PMDD alter ego. I am her, and she is me.

MEET BECCI

I am a mum of two & two stepsons, from Wales. I am an advocate for Menstrual Health, Children's Mental Health, Epilepsy, and Rare Diseases.

You can follow Becci on Instagram @1in20_pmdd_and_me