PMS. You’ve probably heard of that before. Most people have. And you’ve probably also heard girls give that monthly warning saying “Oh, I am just PMS-ing right now.” And then BOOM! Their period comes.

I’ve always thought that’s how a menstrual cycle should be. You know, you get your period, you wait till it’s gone —> then a couple of weeks later you get emotionally sensitive, food cravings come, physical changes appear such as weight gain and acne, and then your period arrives again. And so the cycle continues. Honestly, I thought it was normal to cry about the dumbest things ever, because of PMS! You know, like not having my water bottle filled to the top or the dishes not being perfectly washed. Basically like how movies portrayed it, being a little “extra” and over the top! It wasn’t that bad. And I thought it would be like that forever.

But 2 years ago, that ‘normal PMS’ stopped, and PMS-ing became my worst nightmare.

2019: The start.

I remember one day waking up and feeling this sharp pain in my pelvic and stomach area. As soon as I got out of bed and took my first step, every part of my body, especially my legs, started to tingle and I felt like fainting. I knew that my period was coming, but this just didn’t feel right. I’ve never had a problem with walking the week before my period; this felt weird and horrifying. I remember telling myself “Something isn’t right.” And what sucked was that on that specific day, no one was home. So, I just went with it and moved on. 

I set an appointment with my doctor, but I kept this secret from my family for a bit because I didn’t want them to worry. No one knew I was experiencing this. Not even my own parents.

When I got in to see my doctor and explained how this pain would always happen a week before my period, all I got back was, “You are stressed out. Just take a couple days off work. Work out and you will be fine.” So I told myself I am just overreacting. 

But the pain didn’t go away.

A couple months later, I went to a different doctor, a walk-in one. I explained the same pain I was experiencing plus mood swings and again, I got the same reply: “It’s normal to feel pain during your menstrual cycle. You are just stressed out and it will go away.” 

This went on again and again with the same dismissing response but from two more doctors. So at that point, I gave up on going to the doctors.

2020: A blur.

2020 came. A year that changed everyone’s perspective on health. But at this point, I had given up listening to my own feelings about my health. I just kept telling myself: “This pain that I am feeling is normal,” since that is what all the doctors were saying to my face. I didn’t really think much about it anymore, but it did still bother me. Each step that I took during my cycle = a hard punch on my stomach. 

As the months passed by in lockdown, more symptoms showed up such as difficulty concentrating, vomiting, vision change, and severe fatigue. Again, I ignored it. I blamed the “pandemic lifestyle” for why I was feeling like this. I just went with the flow best I could. I remember researching “home remedies for pms” one day (it 1000% didn’t work for the symptoms, by the way), but that was the extent of my health research. After that, I don’t really remember what happened because everything became a blur with the worries of COVID. 

Summer 2020: A blessing in disguise.

During the summertime, my crying spells became uncontrollable. I’d take 5-hour naps some days from the fatigue. I’d have horrific thoughts that I couldn’t even imagine myself saying and constant excruciating pain that just never stopped for the two weeks before and during my period every month. I remembered telling myself “I want this to end.”

After my birthday passed, I had a little meeting with myself and prayed for help. I asked for just one person to believe in the pain that I was going through. I was so scared to admit this to my closest friends, my partner, my family, and most of all, medical experts. I was even ashamed to pray about it because I thought I was crazy, and I didn’t believe in myself at all. A week after that, I opened up to my ex about what I’d been going through. It was honestly a blessing in disguise because finally, I wasn’t alone. After that, I started opening up to my friends, my ate (big sister) and my parents. I knew that I was going to be okay because of God’s blessing, but I still didn’t know how.

Beginning of 2021: The horror began.

"Something isn’t right,” I’d say to myself every month when the symptoms arrived. My blood flow also started to become alarming, as I saw huge blood clots on my pad throughout my period and the pressure on my pelvis became excruciatingly painful. The easiest way I can describe the pain is like someone is stabbing you every day for two weeks. Before and during my period. On top of that, thoughts of suicide and shame were running through my head; a cry for help. But I felt like it was hopeless to ask for help because I kept getting the same answer from medical experts and even other women would tell me that this was normal. It felt like “Why even try?”

August 2021 to now: Asking for help.

Getting help was a difficult thing for me to do. I personally do not like going to the doctors or any medical place because it just gives me sad and depressing vibes. But I finally realized that I truly needed help and that was the push for me to ultimately ask. 

My first doctor’s appointment was scary as hell because I did not know what to expect. But my doctor was very careful with her language and walked me through the process of the testing we’d do to figure out what was going on. 

I went through many blood tests and ultrasounds (Being a woman is so hard!) and then got the news that I had fibroids in my ovaries (very common non-cancerous cysts) that were causing the huge blood clots and the hardcore cramps. It was scary to even hear that, but my doctor made sure that it was non-cancerous. As of right now, they are checking the size of the fibroids every year to see if they have shrunken or grown. Now that we found out there weren’t any cancerous things in my ovaries, she referred me to a gynaecologist, and thankfully, he has been a huge help too! 

My gynaecologist did the assessment and officially diagnosed me with PMDD. Then we started looking for solutions. First, I tried YAZ (a common birth control for PMDD patients) for 1 month, however, it did not work for the lifestyle that I was living. So, he recommended the SSRI sertraline (an antidepressant). It has honestly been a lifesaver. To this day, sertraline is the medication I am using to help me endure this illness. We are hoping that the sertraline continues to work so that I will not have to have my ovaries removed. Thank the Lord God, the sertraline is working!

This journey has been a rollercoaster, but it has made me a stronger woman and individual. It has allowed me to be the most vulnerable I have ever been and allowed me to express who I am. Yes, it was tough; it was hard to acknowledge it. But like what my parents have always told me “One small thing makes a huge difference.”

As I continue this journey, I want to share some tips that have helped me get through this.

• Be an advocate for yourself. I can’t stress this enough because the only person that knows what is going on is YOU. 

• Acknowledge the small victories. Acknowledging that you are feeling something is already an accomplishment. Making that appointment is already an accomplishment. Going to see a doctor and telling them what you’re feeling is already an accomplishment. 

• If you need to rest, rest. We are like batteries. We have our limitations. We need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of other people. 

• Do the things you love and be with the people that make you feel empowered. This can give a boost of energy and increase the happy cells and make you feel loved. 

• Be proud of how far you’ve come. It is T-O-U-G-H! But you did it! Give yourself a pat on the back! 

• You are not alone. This platform has really helped me get through this. Join a PMDD Facebook group because it has truly given me light knowing that I was not alone.

Last thing, PMDD, you were a process to live with, but you have been a blessing in disguise. This is my story. 

MEET JOYCE

Hi, I'm Joyce! I am from beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. I love to read, sing, make memories through pictures, and have a good cup of matcha tea! I am so grateful to share my story and hopefully help someone in their journey. The quote that has helped me get through this is: One small thing can make a huge difference! I hope my story can be that ‘one small thing’ for you.

You can follow Joyce on Instagram @rejoycinglife or visit her website