In July 2021, Amy and her husband, TJ, reached new heights, summiting Mt. Elbert (14,433 feet) in Colorado! They raised over $1000 for IAPMD through their climb. You can check out Amy’s fundraising page here.

Today, I am 6 months post-op from a total hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy, and here I am on top of a mountain.

It is day 6 of our hiking trip through southern Utah, and I just completed one of the most challenging hikes I have ever attempted and proved to myself once again what I am capable of. It was always a goal of mine to climb Angel’s Landing, and now I can happily cross it off my list. And this is coming from a person that is terrified of heights!

My name is Amy, and I have PMDD. And no, not just minor, unpleasant premenstrual type symptoms that happen once a month. Severe PMDD. Like my brain, at times, is trying to kill me PMDD. Like I have overdosed and tried to kill myself seven times PMDD. Like I have been locked in a psych ward against my will PMDD. Like I have been in a coma and on life support on two different occasions because of the damage I have done to myself PMDD.

There were many instances in my life where I felt like I was barely surviving. I was going through the motions. Just existing. Taking up space. Completely empty inside. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not really living. I don’t think I was ever scared to die, but I was scared to keep living this way. I wanted things to change. I wanted to change. I wanted more.

The way I describe PMDD to those that might not understand it is that it is an autoimmune disease where my brain literally attacks itself. I have an incredibly abnormal response to normal hormones and the fluctuations of these hormones in my body. Saying my body doesn’t like or tolerate progesterone is an understatement. It nearly destroyed me.

I came to terms with the fact that I had hormone problems many years ago. It is not a character defect or a flaw. It doesn’t define who I fundamentally am as a person. I cannot change it and the fact that it is a lifelong chronic condition. Everyone has something, and this demon just happens to be my thing.

Whatever you give your attention to is what you give power to. Over the years, rather than focusing on knowing that I had something wrong with me and viewing it as something to be ashamed of or feel less than for, I learned to live in spite of it.

Not only did I start to really live, but I learned to thrive. There is a fine line between genius and madness and maybe I’m a little of both and that’s okay. I get huge sparks of creativity and passion. This helps me be a better designer. I feel things very deeply and intensely at times. This helps me care more about my work and the important people in my life. I would rather be a little crazy than boring. I would rather my life be interesting and exciting than dull.

Sometimes I blow my own mind with what I have been able to accomplish. How I have managed to have a successful career. The resiliency I have developed over 25 years of living with this disorder. How many times I have bounced back. How much progress I have made. How much I have grown and changed as a person. Recovery is a non-linear process, but every day I am further along than I was the day before.

I’ve learned to let go of the idea of perfection. I feel like for years I was trying to prove myself. Prove that I was enough. Overcompensating for the times I felt like I wasn’t, or for the times I failed. I have to fight the constant need to be or feel productive. I've had to learn to let go a bit and relinquish the need for control. Imposter syndrome is a thing and no matter what I have achieved, there is always that little bit of me that wants to compare myself to others. But, I’m done with comparisons.

Nothing is black or white. Life is just a bunch of grey areas. There is no way to really be all or nothing so it’s okay to compromise somewhere in the middle. I logistically cannot do all the things but I can do most of the things that I make time for. I have developed healthy boundaries. I’m only human and I have limitations. The way I see it, I am perfectly imperfect. I have made a ton of mistakes, but I live my life with no regrets. I do not have any guilt nor do I dwell over my past.

If there is one thing that has always been abundantly clear to me, it's that the universe will always provide. It always brings you what you need, when you need it. Things always work out exactly how they are supposed to, exactly when they are supposed to.

2020 has been a year of challenges, changes, and transformation. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. This year though, I finally got what I had been wanting. To evict the lady parts that had caused me so many struggles and pain! I had my surgery at the end of May and was thrust into surgical menopause. I’ve had to be open and vulnerable to the process. This was obviously a huge turning point for me. I was treading in a new, unknown territory and it was scary. Heck, it is still scary. But, I choose to see my future through the lens of hope rather than fear. I have had to learn an extreme amount of patience with myself. Just as I can’t change the past, I certainly can’t predict the future. What I can do is live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. I live one day at a time.

I didn’t get married until this year at the ripe old age of 38. I didn’t have and am not going to have children. Everyone has a different path in life. This is my path. This is my journey. If it wasn’t for the way things played out in my life, I would have been a completely different person. I am grateful for the me that I am today and the person that I have become. I wouldn’t be here today without all the things that I went through. My experiences have molded and shaped me into someone that I have grown to love.

The older I get, the more I seek experiences over things. I value and cherish the people in my life. I am adamant about work/life balance and live by the motto: work hard and play harder. I have become a minimalist and taken on the less is more attitude. Life is so much more meaningful when we make it less complicated. I live as simply as I can.

I have developed a love of the outdoors and would spend every waking moment outside if I could. Nothing is as healing as nature. Hiking has saved my life on more than one occasion. It helps me to get out of my head. It really is my thing.

In my free time, I check out new trails, taking on bigger and longer climbs, pushing and challenging myself as much as I can. Something about physically overcoming an obstacle makes anything mental seem so much more trivial in comparison. It makes me feel so alive, and I actually enjoy feeling things these days. I explore. I go on trips. There is a great big world out there to see. There are so many fun things to do and so many cool people to meet. And I am all about it these days!

The way I live today is knowing that life is short. I take chances. I choose to do things that scare the sh*t out of me and leave me terrified, on purpose. I’m constantly trying to push my own boundaries. If I never do things that frighten me, am I actually really living? I have become quite the adrenaline junkie. Any way I can get those endorphins going naturally, sign me up!

If you would have asked me back in my darkest days where I thought I would be right now, and what my life would look like, I would have been so wrong. But, it is even better than I could have ever imagined! I can control how I choose to live my life and what I choose to do with my free time. I was given this life and I choose to live it. Like really go out and live it. I choose to go on adventures and get out of my comfort zone whenever I can.

Sometimes I don’t even know how I made it or why I am still here, but I am going to continue to make the best of it. I feel like I am making up for lost time. I like to focus on what I can do in any given moment versus what I can’t do. If I were to die today, I would know that I did my best with what I had and I would be happy and fulfilled.

I can now say that I appreciate my body. My brain. My strength. The process. I have come to terms with where I have been and where I am going. I can actually say that I am proud of myself.

Today on top of this mountain, instead of asking what-ifs, I can ask, what now? What’s next? This is only the beginning. A new beginning, a new chapter in my life.

So, during this holiday season, I am grateful. In spite of every single bad thing that has ever happened to me and every negative thing that I have been through, I have immense gratitude. There has been so much more good in my life than I could have ever believed possible. I am one of the lucky ones.

I still don’t have all the answers, but I am excited about the future and for all the things I can do, see, and accomplish. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me. Rather than being petrified about this, I am excited. I still might hit some bumps in the road, but at least there is a road! The opportunities are limitless.

The strongest advice I would leave you with today is to listen to your body. Listen to your gut. You know yourself better than anyone else ever could know you. Advocate for yourself, do as much research as you can, and ask as many questions as you are able to. Figure out the different options you have and the choices that are available to you. Make informed decisions.

If one doctor or clinic doesn’t help you, move on to the next. I have seen so many different medical professionals over the years before finally finding one that understood me. I wasted too much time listening to those that led me in the wrong direction.

Stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. Fight for your life. It is YOUR life! You are worth it. Take responsibility for your health. Be proactive. Be stubborn.

There is hope in action. Do things. Don’t stay stagnant. Reach for what you want instead of waiting for things to happen to you. Create your own reality by making things happen for you.

My Story Isn't Over Yet