CW: suicidal thoughts

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

As I stood on the balcony of our four-story condo building while my beautiful three-month-old baby daughter slept peacefully in her bed, I looked below me and contemplated jumping off. All I wanted was to feel free. Free of the fifteen years of suicidal thoughts. Free of the rollercoaster of emotions. Free of the constant pain and agony. Free of the mental exhaustion. I didn’t want to continue living like this. I couldn’t continue living like this. I was hurting everyone around me. Everything would be better if I could just jump and finally feel peace.

As I walked to the edge ready to jump, an image of my mother flashed across my eyes. I crumbled to my feet and started sobbing.

...

This is just one story of the many times I have contemplated and attempted suicide since I was twelve years old.

When I look back on my life, I, unfortunately, don’t have many happy memories. My memory is extremely foggy due to multiple traumas endured during my life. As I grew up trying to navigate my emotions as a young child, I was often alone and forced to mask my emotions from an early age. This would turn out to be a severely negative trait I developed. When I got my period at twelve years old, my emotions took a turn for the worst. I would spend the next 15 years engulfed with constant anxiety and panic attacks, mood changes, severe irritability, uncontrollable rage, constant negative feelings of self-worth and hopelessness, food cravings, never-ending fatigue and hypersomnia, brain fog, debilitating joint pain, and the worst symptom of all-suicidal thoughts. Due to having learned to hide and suppress my emotions, no one to this day knows the extent of how serious my thoughts have been.

I’ve lost so many relationships and friendships because of PMDD. I’ve had so many arguments with family and loved ones because of PMDD. PMDD is incessant. PMDD takes up half of my life. PMDD is a rollercoaster that never ends.

How can we heal from the traumas of life and illness when we can’t even get a moment to breathe?

The answer to this for me has come ultimately from medication and self-care. Learning to accept and love who I am, whilst healing from my past traumas, has allowed me to continue to be here, alive, no longer controlled by my intrusive thoughts.

Suicidal thoughts and actions are common experiences for people with PMDD. If you experience this, you are not alone! As Ali shared, medications and treatment options can be very helpful, which you can learn more about here. It can also be helpful to take a personal assessment of your risk which Adrienne describes in her blog, and create a Self-Care/Safety Plan to keep on hand with the coping strategies, distractions, activities, and people that can help you through the dark moments. Despite these dark moments, there is hope and we are truly fighting for a brighter future for people with PMDD in all we do at IAPMD.

If you need support now, connect with a crisis counselor in your area. You can also get involved with the PMDD support community through online and video support groups or by emailing support@iapmd.org.

MEET ALI

My name is Ali. I am a 29-year-old nurse with a loving and supportive husband, a beautiful little 2-year-old daughter, and the cutest dog ever (in my opinion). I chose to open up about my life with PMDD for the future of my daughter. I want her mental health to be supported and accepted as she grows up. I don't want her to go through the same traumas that I did.

You can follow Ali on Instagram @joyfulittlenest

I Just Wanted to Feel Peace