Closure

I wake up from a bad dream, covered in sweat and grasping for reality. The intensity terrifies me. I can’t get back to sleep.

I make coffee, and try to write. My thoughts center on the dream. I can’t remember any details. Only my fear.

Through my brain streams a wave of anxiety, anger, disappointment, and unease.

I lack motivation and getting dressed is impossible. Nothing fits. I look awful in everything that does. Pajama pants for the win.

Then, the spiral starts. Worthless. Broken. Crazy. These are the words I hurl at myself, for days on end, about me.

I go about my days and do my work, but I am preoccupied. Obsessive.

I cannot break free from my paranoia.

My brain has all of my best mistakes on repeat. Anything and everything that I have messed up. All of the ways everyone hates me.

Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Then, slowly, recognition sets in.

I recognize this pattern. This cycle.

My PMDD is in full swing and I didn’t even realize it- I don’t have a period anymore. No calendar to rely on. No obvious marker by which to track my moods and explain my feelings.

My ablation did many good things for me, no more cramps or blood; but the sneaky surprise of my hormone fluctuations every month is one thing it didn’t relieve.

I flip the calendar forward and write “PMDD symptoms?” in the blank space one month from now.

I am not worthless, or broken, or crazy. Nothing is wrong with me.

I am in the darkness of my PMDD. Closure.