Life with PMDD and Life After

CW: suicidal thoughts

Hi, my name is Holly. I’m 31 years old, soon to be 32, and I have had a long history with PMDD.

My story began when I was 11 years old and started my periods. As soon as I hit puberty, I got spotty, hairy, moody, and started to notice boys. Looking back, this is when my mental health issues first started, but I didn’t understand my feelings around PMDD until I was much older. The severe PMDD symptoms didn't really kick in fully until my later teen years, but there was a shift in my moods around the age of 13. This feels so young to endure such massive changes to your body and to have to deal with hormones, but you can't change the natural order of these things.

My mum and I put down my “moody behaviour” to the usual teenage angst, but I felt early on that I was different from my friends and suffered more than others with anxiety and low mood. I felt driven by my hormones. I started to really dislike myself and to self-harm in lots of different ways. I realize now that this was just my way of releasing some of the anger and frustration I felt.

At 17, I met my first love and went onto the pill. This caused my symptoms to increase and made me feel like a raging monster! After that, I resorted to a low hormone pill which I would take on and off for the next ten years. This helped mask my PMDD symptoms, but in the background, I always felt a deep-rooted sadness and had depressive tendencies.

Fast forward to 26, and I felt desperate for a baby with my partner, longing for something to fill the gaping hole in my heart (that sadly no one could fill). I came off the pill, and well, let’s just say this is when THE SHIT HIT THE FAN!! I lost all control of myself and my cycle. Every month I was completely mowed down by the lorry that was PMDD. The awful symptoms would last for two whole weeks out of the month (from ovulation to my period starting). I felt like I was losing my mind, like I was two separate people living in one body.

In my good weeks, I felt on top of my game. I had lots of energy and could do all the normal things like going to work, socialising, being a good girlfriend, cooking, etc. In the bad weeks leading up to my period, I literally crawled into bed and wished I would die. My energy drained; I felt so heavy and exhausted it was hard to walk. My whole being just craved sleep. My mood would plummet so low. I’d be so negative about myself and everyone else that any little thing could trigger me off into a whirlwind of anger or bursting into tears. I also had lots of physical symptoms like migraines, brain fog, and sensitivity to light and noise. All of this made life very difficult to manage.

This was when I started to research my symptoms and self-diagnosed with PMDD. I took my A4 piece of paper listing all my symptoms and went to the GP for help.

After having my baby girl in 2018, I suffered from Postnatal depression, which was difficult enough, but then my periods returned at eight months postpartum. This took me by surprise as I was exclusively breastfeeding and enjoying being period free. The PMDD symptoms came back with a vengeance. It felt like a premenstrual demon had taken over my mind and body. This is when I first started to have suicidal thoughts, which were extremely intrusive. I would lay in bed dreaming of ending it all and making plans of ways I could do it. The only reason I didn't give in to the awful demands was the thought of leaving my baby girl with no mother and how badly this would affect her life. Not all women survive this terrible affliction; it is a matter of life and death at times. I’m so saddened that some women do take their own lives because of it. I was very lucky during this time to have my mum living with me to support me and help raise my baby, but the amount of strain it put on my relationships was huge. It is extremely difficult for anyone to truly understand the nature of PMDD unless they have suffered it themselves or know someone close who has.

As you can well imagine, I would have tried anything to help my PMDD, and I did try it all: hormone pills, antidepressants, homeopathy, Chinese medicine, herbs, vitamins, therapy, CBT, yoga, mindfulness…the list goes on and on. In the end, I felt let down by the mainstream doctors and hormone specialists, so I asked my nurse practitioner (who was wonderfully compassionate with me) to refer me to a private gynecologist. Within 24 hours I had spoken to him over the phone and we had mutually agreed to start me on Prostap injections. This would put me into chemical menopause and stop my menstrual cycle, which would give me some reprieve from the dreaded bad weeks. By this time, I was having more bad days than good, as I felt so depressed from the awful symptoms in my bad days that it would leak into the supposedly good days.

Taking Prostap was, of course, a process, and my system took some time to adjust, but after a few months of taking it, I felt relief and had my good days back. I think not taking any hormonal contraceptive pills was also a good decision for me as they had badly affected my health in the past.

All in all, I took Prostap for around nine months. It worked well enough to get me through, although I found it only lasted about 8-10 weeks, then I would get breakthrough symptoms which would put me back to square one. I agreed with my consultant (after much deliberation and checking I was 100% sure) to have my ovaries and tubes removed in February of 2021. I felt this was the only lasting option for me, and because I was happy only having one child, this seemed reasonable. For me, I couldn't go through the trauma of having a child again and having PMDD return. It was unfair to put myself or my family through that again.

So, here I am now, 9 months on from my operation, which in no uncertain terms has saved my life, actually given me a new life. It is certainly not an easy road to go down at 31, going into surgical menopause, however, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives for me.

I no longer have to dread the monthly onslaught of symptoms or worry that I can’t go to work or care for my child because I'm too ill. I know my journey isn’t over yet; I am still navigating this new life with a different set of challenges from menopause, but I am thankful that I am here to tell my story and to hopefully help other women along their journey.