Living with PMDD

The silhouette of a young woman gazing at mountains at dusk learning to navigate and accept life with PMDD

It is scary for me to put my story out there but I think this is worth a shot.

Everyone knows me as Rishika. A bold and extroverted girl who is never afraid to speak her mind. I thrive on routines, I am an early riser, extremely passionate about fitness, and living a healthy lifestyle. Every morning I wake up with the sun, a little before 6 a.m. Waking up early and going for a run is the best part of my day! The cold early morning breeze, watching old couples take an early morning walk, having Snowy (a stray dog who stays near the park) follow me and sometimes run with me in the park. It is really beautiful.

Until that one day… when I wake up on time but I can’t get out of bed. Why? I just can’t. It’s like my body refuses to move. I feel an ache somewhere and there’s this constant nausea. Staying in bed is a cozy feeling that I don’t want to let go of.

I want to wake up but I can’t.

I’ll have a burst of energy that helps me get out of bed but then I can feel it drop soon after. I still have to show up as Rishika because otherwise how do you explain these weird mood swings that just randomly keep happening. Everyone is expecting the bold and extroverted Rishika to show up and do her thing, but I feel hollow inside; I almost don’t recognize myself.

For the longest time, I didn’t know why or I didn’t know how to explain this. Small matters would enrage me. Sometimes I’d show it and other times I’d go into my room and just be pissed. The first half of every month I’d be perfectly fine but a few weeks into it I would just… change.

During the first lockdown in 2020, my symptoms were at their peak. Everyone was my enemy. I just couldn’t say a word without it becoming a fight. I slowly shut everyone out and stopped communicating. One night I was so frustrated I took a block of thermocol and just started stabbing it with all my frustration and anger. I looked up and saw myself in the mirror and I couldn’t see Rishika there. I saw an angry monster and I thought to myself, WHY AM I DOING THIS?

That’s when it slowly started making sense.

I suddenly saw a pattern in my life.

Every month for about 10 days before my period I would feel these extreme symptoms. I had read about PMDD at the time but nobody took my symptoms seriously and neither did I voice my complaints well.

It has taken a lot of self-work for me to be in this position today, to manage my symptoms, and try my best to communicate how I feel. I did not get a diagnosis until December 2021 and now I am still in the process of finding the right doctor and appropriate treatment for myself.

Menstrual health and women’s wellness have not been given enough time and attention in our society and as a result, there is a complete lack of awareness not only in patients but also in so many medical professionals as well. By writing this article, I want to be able to increase awareness about this condition so that everyone can be a little more mindful of the people around them. I hope to reach women, spouses, and friends who can help someone in need of these resources and don’t have to go through a long and tiring journey like me.

I have learned to accept that side of me and it has made it a lot easier to get through the PMDD days with minimal damage. Finding an online support group through IAPMD changed my life with just one meeting. The loneliness I used to feel about how nobody ever understood me just disappeared when I was a part of the support group.

This is my story of how I found my ‘other’ self and finally learned to accept her too.