A Journey to Self Love

We all have a story. We are all fighting something on the inside. Invisible illnesses are still illnesses.

I start my story with those three specific lines because they are a daily reminder to myself. I have my own story. I am fighting my own battles. I have an invisible illness. I am me.

Throughout my PMDD journey, I spent the majority of it riddled with guilt and self-hatred. What is this? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be the friend/daughter/sister/coworker that I want to be? Why do I constantly cancel plans? Why do I feel like two people? I just wanted to feel like myself but I had no idea who that was. For years, I felt incredibly isolated in my feelings. And I felt like I was the only one who felt like this.

…

“Is there anything else you would like to talk about?” asked my primary doctor in the summer of 2018. After no luck with my OBGYN for years, I thought why not see if my doctor understands as a last-ditch effort.

I disclosed to her that I couldn’t even be around myself leading up to my period and explained to her all my symptoms. “Sounds like you have PMDD,” she said. And just like that, I could finally put a diagnosis to how I felt for what seemed like a decade.

Okay, but what do I do with this diagnosis? I didn’t know where to start.

I remember going home and reading about it. A million light bulbs went off in my head- this was me. Therapy seemed like the first step but if I’m being honest it took me almost a year to go. It wasn’t until the pandemic hit that I was able to pause and just sit with myself. Having the space to digest PMDD and watch it play out when it was just me was incredibly self-healing. I could either choose to feel lonely in my diagnosis or I could face it head-on. I decided to go all in.

I tracked my symptoms vigorously (thank you Me v PMDD), learned my patterns, told my friends and my family, worked incredibly hard in therapy, and started exploring the IAPMD community. For the first time in a decade, I no longer felt alone in my fight.

Feeling like two different people within the same month was probably the hardest concept for me to grasp in this journey and because of this, I want to highlight it. We talk about this “other person” that emerges during the days leading up to our periods. This person that takes over and puts us on a roller coaster of emotions for days, maybe weeks. This person that makes us question who we are and someone who has likely disappointed us or made us feel ashamed in the past. I used to hate her because she destroyed my relationships and blew through my life like a tornado each month. But with the help of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve started to embrace her. Over time, I even learned to love her. It didn’t happen overnight- it took almost 2 years - but a couple of weeks ago I caught myself saying in a therapy session, “She’s so fierce. I kind of miss her,” referring to my other self. Even though I had extreme restlessness and irritability built up the entire week, I finally learned how to channel every single emotion so it had an outlet. She could no longer beat me up.

I’m angry? Okay, let’s go on a deep cleaning spree. I’m anxious? Okay, put the phone away and go for a walk. I’m irritable? Let’s take a night off from people or perhaps the whole day. I’m feeling sad? Make a delicious dinner, let out a good cry, and do a face mask. I’m feeling nauseous and exhausted? Rest, rest, and more rest.

It’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. I can’t always redirect, but I learned to love the “other side” of me. She doesn’t shy away from showing her emotions, she feels everything so intensely, she says no when she knows she can’t, rests when she is tired, and takes care of herself first. She has BOUNDARIES. All concepts that used to be so foreign to me. I love her for inviting me in to practice self-care and self-love which was the biggest lesson I needed to learn of them all. I thank her for that.

She also taught me to be compassionate to others who may be struggling with their mental or physical health. So many of us are living with invisible illnesses and it’s so easy to feel like we are not seen. For years, I felt unseen and all I needed was for someone to say to me you are seen, your feelings are valid and you are not defined by your diagnosis. So I’m here to say to my IAPMD community: I hear you, I see you, your feelings and emotions are valid, and you are ENOUGH. I leave you with this… what if next month you look at your other half and choose love?

This is me. This is my story. This is my invisible illness journey.